To Live

To Live

Today was a good day to live

No pressure

No competition

The river does all the chattering

Not burdened with hope and ambition

All is welcome, and with relief, so am I

I seek no validation,

But the trees bestow it

I feel included

As the birds sing their hymns

I’m a Buddha statue in the folage

Temporarily

Death urge lost today

Even if only for today

A little everyday

Take solace in nature. The one thing we can’t push away or run away from is the earth. We are connected to it, permanently. The earth is our most primal connection. Oxygen and water is where we begin.

Sometimes, connecting with other people fails. And that disconnection can feel like being lost in a celestial wasteland. But we are on the ground of our planet home, kept their by it’s invisible pull. We take it for granted.

Start there. Connect to nature first. We’ll never feel alone again.

IMAGE: Michigan Spring, Tom Haxby

2020 Break Down

2020 Break Down

The new, rediscovered old, the different

Joy – Hank
Book – “American Gods”, Neil Gaiman
TV – AHS/Dead to Me/Queen’s Gambit
Album – “Gaslighter”, The Chicks
Food/Ingredient – Shallots
The Power of Art – Jared Kushner Channels Dorian Gray, by Drew Friedman
Garden – Cauliflower
Person – Joy Doyle, my mother
Activity – Watching sunsets
Word used most often – Options
Word for 2020 – Death
Phrase for 2020 – I’m done
Word for 2021 – Curiosity
Phrase for 2021 – A new landscape

If you only want to read the fun stuff, then stop here. If you want to continue reading, don’t expect fun stuff.

I haven’t been that active with posts for the last couple of months because I really didn’t know what to say. My year diminished into a painfully anticipated end. In the early hours of December 21st, my father died peacefully in his sleep at home. To add to the sadness, we found out that day that a first cousin had died unexpectedly a few days prior and a funeral was currently being held for him. Their deaths are full of their own sorrows, yet they are names on a long list of lost loved ones from this year. I had spent a third of December in Arizona to be with Dad and family, but I made it back home for Christmas. I’ll have to return to Arizona later this month (possibly February) for the service. Death in winter is as plentiful as snow.

I’m not going to ruminate over how awful this last year has been. It was harder than what I’m willing to reveal. Little did I know I would purposelessly dive down into the icy indigo water of my psyche, and discover forgotten relics of memories and pieces of myself. Treasures, no, valuable, yes. Below are a couple of brighter perspectives from what I gathered and hauled away.

Connection to the natural world – I can’t push nature away from me, nor can I push myself away from nature. We are connected. As much as the universe can violently set the terms of the relationship, she is also the greatest solace: Energy, atoms, elements, chemistry, physics, biology, and wonder.

Wholeness – All of it. Every piece of me is acknowledged without judgment. I challenge myself and everyone to swap out judgement for curiosity towards ourselves, others, and uncomfortable ideas.

It’s been decades since I’ve laughed so little. I believe many of us have been forced to recalibrate what’s important. My focus now is on my mother. She lost the father of her children, her one and only husband of 56 years. In spite of human madness, they truly loved each other. Only a year ago, I watched Mum keep pace with Dad as he struggled walking with his walker to get from parking lot to restaurant. But now as I walk next to Mum without him, I notice she shuffles. She wasn’t patiently slow for Dad, they were slow together. Between them, one never began, one never ended.

For 2021, I have no desire to give any reaction to the worst of ourselves. Nor am I feeling generous with hollow positivity. I will only cook with the iron weight of truth. And I will suck at executing all of the above. Perhaps we need to stop expecting more, but instead be more. There is so much more to me, you, and us than what we’ve been convinced of in 2020.

Anxiety

Anxiety

The inner tornado
Started by a whisper
The formation begins
At the top of the head
Pulsates behind the eyes
And drops down through
The throat, lungs, stomach, pelvis

Some twisters
Only sweep leaves around
Maybe a plastic bag circles up
Giving a visual of the invisible
Then there are the monstrosities
An atmospheric catastrophic force of energy
Between the earth and sky
The only thing to do is to get out of the path
And let it run its course

As many as one, to multiples
Serial systems
Or at the same time
In the same area
Because that area causes
Multiple tornados to happen at once
Or multiple tornados in different areas
For different reasons
Different versions of destruction

For each era in life
Has cause for a storm
All it takes is a whisper
Sometimes something bigger
The voice of an opera singer
A crown
A cape
A groin ache
Doesn’t escape
It can only run its course

Well, these are anxious times, so comes out an anxious poem. No real form, unlike a real tornado. We are all walking tornados. A hug could help alleviate an attack, but we can’t. So the destruction continues, grows, and is more severe. Anxiety isn’t seasonal. 

One antidote that I have found to bring relief is wisdom – precious, and mostly found in dark and hard to reach places. Requires labor intensive care, and grows very slowly. But it provides night vision, foresight, and stillness. 

Breath in a counter wind to your inner twister, and be still. It will run its course. 

IMAGE:  KEANE LUØNG 🇨🇦 on Instagram: “The calm before the storm. ☈☈”

 

I Will Not Be Noise (Head Clutter)

I Will Not Be Noise
(Head Clutter)

I don’t want to talk about what is going on
I don’t want to hear about the desperate, the strong
Talking has all gone wrong

From mutated haters to emotional hijackers
There is too much weight on the support beams
I make room for so many that never shut the fuck up
I’m murdered by sound waves

Tell me about your self hate
Then I’ll believe you
Show me on your measuring stick of
How much you lose when someone different
Gets as comfortable as you
You’ll lie, cheat, and steal to make it true

Everyone is right
That’s the problem
Of course we’re all wrong, but we’re right
Nobody can stand being right
Which is why we try to change other people

I can be ignored
I’ve lost my substance
I am proof of redundant outcomes
I run in place while noise chases time away

I hope I give silence
I hope I give stillness
I hope I give space

I won’t try to take away pain
I won’t try to take away joy
That’s not up to me

I will not be noise
I will not be right
But I will be breath in the fight

IMAGE ?

Blood From This Stone

Blood From This Stone

You’ve squeezed blood from this stone

Nobody left here to know

I can’t take care of you and me

I perish the thought of three

Find someone with more inside

Because I am dead alive

I am dead alive

You’ve squeezed blood from this stone

Nobody left here to know

Out of the corner of your eye

You can get me to comply

I guess in my own way I will

After I have time to kill

I have time to kill

You’ve squeezed blood from this stone

Nobody here left to know

IMAGE: (I think) Santiago Caruso ?

March

March has frozen over

March has frozen over

The end to dreams

I put ice

In isolation

So many mistakes

Spring’s iceless cold

As my earth face turns

Away from the sun

Black ice sky

In Springtime

Spring is cold this month, and in many different ways. Not a healthy March. Everything is stopped as if snowed in. Cold enough, but snowing Cherry Blossoms. 

IMAGE: 1881 Artist ?

Happiless

Happiless
When I feel this way
Happiless
Is how I feel today
Can’t tell the difference between blue and tired
There is no light at the end of this tunnel
There is no light at the end of this tunnel
Just gray
Happiless
Present love
An easy cure
The problem now
The problem before
Happiless
Is a cold entrance wound
I’m not sad
Not mad.
Just happiless

Not sad. Not mad. Just tired. Just gray.

IMAGE:  Leslie Avon Miller / December 03, 2011

Best He Can Do

Best He Can Do

His hands are dirty
The best he can do

Half a day he can get through
A half-hearted attempt
To show he cares about you
It’s all enough to him
The best he can do

Energy is something to lose
Sometimes for money it’s worth it
Intake is measured by the type of elevation
Everyone around him is irrelevant to the equation
This is the best that he can do

So strong in the way he holds himself up
On shoulders he uses as a crutch
The smartest guy in the room
If you are a guy in the room
The best he can do

The problem really is the double life
And not just the lies
They are a symptom
Fall though the trapdoor of deceit
When that’s the best he can do

Isolate or contain
Don’t spread his pain
Distruction is dominance
The best he can do

IMAGE: dum dum dum – Snailbooty